Not Knowing How to Love Anymore
Lin Chuan, who was “not good at socialising,” even took out the liquor and poured a cup for Principal Guan. Then he poured one for Song Aiying too.
Song Aiying said, “Hurry and pour some for Xiao Su too.” The city didn’t have as many rules as the countryside. What was this about women not being allowed to drink? She supported women having achievements of their own.
“She can’t drink.” After Lin Chuan said that, he first toasted the couple opposite him, then said, “It’s like this. I know everyone is very busy now that school has just started, but today, my wife, Comrade Su Su, went to the hospital and was found to be pregnant.”
Song Aiying said in surprise, “Congratulations, congratulations.” It was normal for young people to get pregnant.
Then Lin Chuan continued, “I’m a soldier, so I can’t come back often to take care of her like ordinary men. That’s why I invited you both here today. I wanted to ask you to look after her a little more, since she’s pregnant.”
“That’s only natural.” Principal Guan nodded. Although he didn’t really want the newly arrived teacher to become pregnant immediately, Comrade Su Su was highly educated and extremely capable. Even if she left his school, many other places would want her.
So it was no problem to look after her a little.
Song Aiying said, “We can look after her now, but what will you do after the child is born?” They couldn’t exactly let Su Su stay home full-time to care for the child.
Su Su also felt troubled. She hadn’t thought about this yet. As expected, Song Aiying had experience and immediately thought of the most difficult problem.
Lin Chuan immediately said, “My mother will come for a while. After that, we’ll hire a nanny.”
“That works too. In any case, it’s nearby, so she can come back whenever she needs to.” Song Aiying nodded. As long as Su Su didn’t take extended leave, it was fine. The school didn’t have money to hire a foreign teacher, so Su Su had to carry the role herself.
Lin Chuan could naturally see that too. He also felt that his wife was far too capable to be suited to becoming a housewife.
Before long, Principal Guan and Song Aiying asked to go home. Lin Chuan saw them out. Although he usually looked serious, he hadn’t pulled a long face at the dinner table.
Su Su felt that her man was probably more capable than she had imagined.
A child from the countryside—if he didn’t have some ability, could he have stayed in the army for so long?
Thinking this, she yawned. She really was sleepy.
Lin Chuan quickly spread out the quilt for her, then tidied the table himself and told her to rest. Su Su originally wanted to help him clean up, but he absolutely refused. In the end, he still sent her to bed first, then tidied the whole room before lying down with her.
Today, he was very well-behaved and didn’t do anything. He just held Su Su and kissed her again and again, on the left and then on the right. In the middle of the night, Su Su turned over in a daze and discovered someone staring at her with a smile at the corners of his mouth. She couldn’t help shivering. “What… what are you doing?” Holding her and smiling in the middle of the night—wasn’t that scary?
Lin Chuan immediately adjusted his tiny facial expression and said, “Nothing. Can’t sleep?”
“No, I already slept for a while.” She wanted to get up and use the bathroom. Suddenly, she felt that letting Lin Chuan install a bathroom inside the house had really been a good decision. It saved her from running outside to the toilet in the middle of the night. Before, it hadn’t mattered much, but now that she was pregnant, going outside at night always felt a little dangerous.
Unexpectedly, because she climbed out of bed a little slowly, Lin Chuan automatically imagined that her body had become heavy and difficult to lift. So he got out of bed, picked her up, and carried her princess-style all the way to the bathroom.
“What are you doing in the middle of the night?”
“Don’t move. I’ll carry you to the toilet.”
“There’s no need.”
“Take your time. I’ll turn on the light for you.”
Then Su Su was placed into the bathroom. Lin Chuan not only turned on the light for her, but also closed the door properly. He was truly very considerate.
However, the level of embarrassment was a little off the charts.
“Lin Chuan.”
“I’m here.”
“Can you move a bit further away? I can’t go with you standing in front of the door.”
Su Su sounded pitiful. She was about to be unable to hold it in, but he was just standing there like a pillar and wouldn’t leave. She could even see his shadow through the crack of the door. How was she supposed to go like that?
Lin Chuan could only move a little further away. He also thoughtfully poured his wife a cup of water, then poured it between cups until it became warm, waiting for her to come out and drink it.
His wife really did love cleanliness. She even washed her hands after coming out.
Then he hurriedly handed the cup over.
Su Su took it and froze for a moment. “I’m not thirsty.”
“Drinking more water is good for you.” Lin Chuan said this with a serious face.
Was this the boyfriend equals “drink more water” thing? Had she finally reached this path too? Unexpectedly, she felt it had come rather late, but she still obediently drank the water.
However, under the lamplight, she noticed the dark shadows beneath her boyfriend’s eyes and choked, coughing a few times. “Lin Chuan, have you not slept at all?”
“Mm, I couldn’t fall asleep.” Lin Chuan lightly patted her back, then wiped the corner of her mouth. Holding her arm, he led her back into the room and helped her lie down.
“If you weren’t sleeping, what were you doing lying there?” He couldn’t have been staring at her the whole time, right? Just thinking about it felt terrifying.
“Watching you. No, watching you both.”
“…Can you please sleep properly?” This was too frightening. She was almost losing the desire to sleep herself.
“Alright. I’ll sleep right away. Earlier, I just felt too happy and couldn’t fall asleep for a while.” He really was too happy. The moment he imagined that, in the future, there would be a little girl wearing a floral dress following behind his wife, he felt his whole body fill with strength.
Right now, even if someone asked him to go up the mountain and fight a tiger, it wouldn’t be a problem. But he couldn’t leave. He only wanted to lie in bed and look at his wife.
He had never dreamed that he would marry her. He had originally thought she was delicate and pampered, yet she was also so capable.
What was he supposed to do?
He felt that he really loved his wife terribly, to the point that he was so excited he no longer knew how to love her. He wanted to give her all the most beautiful things in the world and make her happy.
Su Su, however, was made nervous by him. Later, she finally managed to fall asleep. The next morning, she was gently woken up again, and Lin Chuan personally made breakfast, then personally sent her to school.
This treatment was simply too good. Su Su felt a little overwhelmed by the favour.
Fortunately, today Lin Chuan returned to the army and wouldn’t come stare at her sleeping again. While feeling happy, Su Su also felt somewhat tormented. Luckily, she wouldn’t have to suffer that anymore.
That was what she thought, but today her classes were finally arranged into four periods.
Two in the morning and two in the afternoon. Usually…
She could rest for a while on the only small bed in the office. This was arranged by Song Aiying. After all, being a military wife was already not easy, and now she was pregnant too. Although openly taking care of her would make some people have opinions, the young woman was pregnant, her face was pale, and her workload was heavy. Letting her rest for a while wasn’t much.
Su Su felt somewhat uncomfortable being specially looked after. She only lay down for a while when all the teachers had gone out. Other than that, perhaps because her body now knew she was pregnant, it also began acting without restraint. From time to time, she suddenly felt like throwing up. Everything else was alright, since she didn’t actually vomit.
These two days, because school had just started, there were a lot of matters to deal with. She had only just lain down when she heard someone knock on the door. She quickly sat up and put on a teacherly attitude. “Come in!”
A female student slowly opened the door and said to Su Su, “Teacher…” She really was a teacher, right? She looked a little young.
“What’s the matter?”
“There’s a fight in the girls’ dormitory. A girl said Qin Yueyue stole her money, and they’ve already started fighting. Should you… go and take a look?” The girl seemed very anxious.
Su Su was indeed a teacher, but she was a little afraid that if she got involved with the female lead, she, as the supporting female character, would be implicated. Besides, she was currently lacking energy, and there was a baby in her stomach. Let alone the possibility of being bumped into, the two sides had already started fighting. Most importantly, she wasn’t in charge of logistics either.
But she still had to put on an act, so she said, “Let’s go. I know where the logistics director is. We’ll find her to handle it. I’m only an English teacher. Even if I go, I’m afraid no one will listen. Besides, I can’t pull them apart either.”
The female student agreed with Su Su’s point. After all, although she was a teacher, she was young and didn’t have enough authority. It really would be difficult for her to break up the fight.
So they went to find Song Aiying, and the three of them went to the girls’ dormitory together.
There was only one wall between the girls’ dormitory and the boys’ dormitory, and the dormitories were also separated from the school by just one wall.
When they walked through the moon gate, they saw a woman pulling the female lead outward, saying they should go to the public security bureau.
Qin Yueyue struggled while saying, “No, it wasn’t me. You’ve all misunderstood. It really wasn’t me.”
Song Aiying said, “Stop. If there’s something to say, say it properly. If you keep pulling and tugging like this, I’ll call the gatekeeper over.”
When the woman heard her say that, she finally let go. When Qin Yueyue saw Su Su following behind, she seemed to gain a little confidence. She said to Song Aiying, who had walked over, “Director Song, please help me. I really didn’t steal her money, but they’re all falsely accusing me.” After saying that, she glanced at Su Su.
Su Su was still slightly panting. She hadn’t wanted to run over, but even walking quickly after them made her feel uncomfortable and want to vomit. She forcefully endured it, so all she could do was watch from the side.
The female lead would be fine. She could definitely solve her own trouble. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be the female lead.
Sure enough, seeing that Su Su didn’t help her, and that the woman whose money had been stolen was still shouting, Qin Yueyue straightened her back and said, “I didn’t steal it. Although I am indeed very poor and truly can’t afford this workbook fee, I still have no reason to steal her money.”
“Then tell me, where did the twenty yuan under your bedding come from? Everyone knows you only had ten yuan. How could you suddenly have an extra twenty? And I just happened to be missing twenty yuan.”
“That twenty yuan was…”
“I lent that money to Student Qin Yueyue for her workbook fee. Because last time, when I had an accident at the bus stop, she used her own ten yuan to pay for my medical treatment.” A man walked over with two fellow townsmen classmates. His momentum was quite impressive.
At this time, Su Su felt that as a fellow villager, she should also do something. So she said, “I know Student Qin. I also feel she couldn’t possibly steal someone else’s money.”
That made two witnesses. Song Aiying then investigated the situation a bit more and had someone search the girls’ dormitory. In the end, they found the twenty yuan under the bed.
Thus, the matter of the stolen money was resolved.
Song Aiying very sternly criticised the girl who had insisted on blaming Qin Yueyue for stealing the money and even planned to punish her.
But at this moment, the female lead said, “She only acted this way because she urgently needed the money. So let’s just forget this matter.”
Sure enough, a saintly mother was still a saintly mother. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be able to win over so many hearts.
Song Aiying frowned. She had gone through so much effort to help handle the matter, and now it was ending just like that? But since this student wanted to play the good person, she could only play the villain. In her heart, she was very unwilling.
She had played the villain countless times, but this was the most unwilling she had ever felt.
Su Su was also rather speechless. She rolled her eyes at the sky and said, “Since there’s nothing else, I’ll go back to prepare lessons.” She didn’t want to manage this and was too lazy to care. Now that she had something in her stomach, she had to be careful even when walking, let alone getting angry with idle people.
After going back, she truly prepared her lessons properly. Unexpectedly, that afternoon, Lin Chuan came to pick her up again. This time, he came driving a vehicle. It seemed he was truly very worried.
Seeing Su Su come out, he reverently helped her into the vehicle, then said very carefully, “Sit steady.” Then he started the vehicle and returned to Su Su’s dormitory. After that, he asked, “How are you? Have you been vomiting badly?”
“I’m fine. It’s okay. I’m just a little tired.” Such a short distance really didn’t require driving, but she still leaned against the seat and closed her eyes. She really was tired. People said the early stages of pregnancy were exhausting, and that was truly accurate.
“I sent a telegram to Mother and the others. I believe they’ll know very soon.” Lin Chuan, rarely, searched for something to say. When they reached the front of the house, he took the initiative to open the door and carried his wife inside as if serving a young mistress.
Su Su looked completely confused. She was only tired. Was this really necessary?
But if he insisted on treating her as a fragile item, there was nothing she could do.
After the two entered the house, they discussed what to eat for dinner. Now that the canteen had officially opened, Su Su could eat breakfast and lunch at the school.
She could eat dinner there too, but she would have to wait a while. She would rather go home and make do with something herself.
But since Lin Chuan was here, she couldn’t make do. She planned to make noodles. In any case, she only had to say it, so she might as well enjoy the treatment for a few more days.
She had just finished kneading the dough when someone knocked on the door. Lin Chuan opened the door and saw someone standing outside whom he did not want to see.
“Brother Chuanzi, long time no see. How have you been recently?” Qin Yueyue stood there openly and naturally.
“Do you need something?” Lin Chuan took a step back, but his hand supported the door. It seemed he had no intention of letting her in.
Inside, Su Su heard someone arrive and asked, “Who is it?” Her voice when speaking to Lin Chuan was different from when she spoke to others. It was extremely sweet, carrying a hint of spoiled softness.
There was no helping it. She was pregnant and currently enjoying the treatment of an Empress Dowager.
Lin Chuan had no choice but to withdraw his hand. He also didn’t want others to see Qin Yueyue come to find Su Su, or they might say she was helping someone through connections.
The two women met like that in the hall. Su Su said, “Did you need something?” The husband and wife had the same attitude, and even their tone was almost the same.
Qin Yueyue felt humiliated. However, thinking that Lin Chuan had been easy to talk to in the past, she said, “I didn’t come to find you. I came to find Brother Chuanzi.”
After saying that, she turned to Lin Chuan and said, “Brother Chuanzi, I know that some things in the past were my fault, but no matter what, we’re relatives now. Yesterday, the school collected workbook fees, and I borrowed ten yuan from someone. Although he’s a classmate, we’ve only just met, so I feel embarrassed borrowing it for too long. Plus, I also need to pay living expenses at school. Could you lend me fifty yuan? When Lin Donghe comes over, he’ll pay you back.”
Su Su looked at her, then thought of the plot in the book. The female lead cared a lot about face, liked helping others, and didn’t want to lose face in front of her classmates. Today, others had said she was poor, so she had come to borrow money, right?
In truth, school living expenses didn’t cost that much. Besides, before Lin Donghe left, he had already paid her accommodation fees and canteen fees for her.
Su Su glanced at Lin Chuan, then at the female lead, but didn’t say much. After all, Qin Yueyue had come to borrow money from Lin Chuan, not from her. So she simply drank her plain boiled water while watching them.
Unexpectedly, Lin Chuan immediately refused. “My monthly allowance isn’t much either. In the future, I need to save up to buy milk powder for the child. If you need money, send a telegram and ask Lin Donghe to mail it to you.”
“…” Su Su widened her eyes. Could this explanation be used too?
“Milk powder? Ah, congratulations. Congratulations to you both.” Qin Yueyue glanced at Su Su, then said, “Then… doesn’t Su Su still have her salary?”
“That’s her salary. Aren’t you asking to borrow money from me?” When Lin Chuan hit back at people, he was truly especially direct and especially adorable. Su Su watched from the side, almost wanting to cheer him on.
At this moment, Qin Yueyue’s face also flushed red. “Then I’ll go back first.”
How could Su Su let someone who had deliberately come to disgust them leave so easily? She sat there and said, “Lin Donghe already paid your food and accommodation fees for you. The workbook fee is only five yuan. Didn’t the classmate you lent money to before return the money to you and even give you ten yuan extra? How is it still not enough?”
“I can’t take advantage of others, so I returned his ten yuan. After all, his family’s situation isn’t good either.” Qin Yueyue was just short of saying outright: your family’s financial situation is good, so why can’t you help me?
Of course Su Su understood. So because they were a dual-income household with good conditions, they were supposed to open a charity hall, right?
“I’m sorry, but the two of us still have to raise a child and build up our household. We don’t have spare money to open a charity hall and hand it out to others.”
“Su Su, don’t go too far. People have self-respect. Don’t push things to the extreme.” Qin Yueyue finally couldn’t endure it. She had come to borrow money from Lin Chuan, not from Su Su. What right did Su Su have to lecture her?
Su Su’s temper was also not good right now. She stood up and placed the cup heavily on the table. “I remember that last time you came to my house to borrow money, you were already refused. Yet you still keep coming forward. Is that what you call self-respect? Besides, don’t you have any sense of how you treated Lin Chuan? Since you broke off the engagement with him, there is no longer any relationship between you. Yet you keep coming forward again and again. Don’t you think what you’re doing is disgusting?”
“We… we’re relatives!” Qin Yueyue’s eyes reddened from Su Su’s words. She had never suffered such humiliation since she was young.
“The one who is related to him is Lin Donghe. If he came to ask to borrow money, we wouldn’t refuse.”
“Lin Donghe and I are husband and wife. Why the different treatment?”
“Then when you came to my house to borrow money and specifically named Lin Chuan as the one you wanted to borrow from, wasn’t that different treatment? Qin Yueyue, don’t be so double-standard. Lin Chuan is now my husband, and he is of one heart with me. If he dares lend you money or says anything like ‘for the sake of past affection’ again, I’ll divorce him.”
Su Su was also somewhat agitated. Then she suddenly reacted, covered her mouth, and rushed pale-faced toward the bathroom.
Lin Chuan’s heart filled with anxiety. His wife had just mentioned divorce, and that was what he feared most. So he looked coldly at Qin Yueyue and said, “There is no past affection between us. Get out of my house and don’t come here again. If you still have self-respect, remember what I said today.”
Qin Yueyue was truly angered by the two of them. She turned and ran out, deciding that from now on, even without relying on these two people, she would finish university and become an independent and confident university student.
No one stopped her. Unexpectedly, halfway through, she even filed a complaint against the couple.
In the X East University family residential area, it was easy to run into Principal Guan and Song Aiying. Song Aiying recognised Qin Yueyue and asked, “Student Qin, why are you crying? What happened?”
“I… I’m fine. I just came to see Teacher Su and her husband. We are not only from the same hometown, but also relatives. But… never mind. I’m leaving.” After saying that, she ran off meaningfully.
Song Aiying glanced at her husband. Neither of them wanted to get involved in such idle matters. But why had she gone to visit someone and then run away crying? The relationship between teachers and students was quite sensitive, so Song Aiying planned to go ask about it. If it spread later that a teacher had bullied a student, that would be bad.
When she arrived at Su Su’s house, she found Su Su sitting there preparing lessons. The one who opened the door was Su Su’s husband.
“Xiao Su, are you busy?”
“I’m not busy. I’ve already prepared everything. Director Song, did you need something?”
Song Aiying didn’t beat around the bush. She told Su Su that she had run into Qin Yueyue, who had left crying, and naturally asked what had happened.
Su Su had no intention of hiding things for Qin Yueyue. She directly explained that Qin Yueyue was the wife of Lin Chuan’s cousin. Then she said Qin Yueyue had come to borrow money, but the two of them had to raise a child, so they didn’t lend it. Then Qin Yueyue had cried and run out.
She also said, “Back when they got married, our family lent them almost a hundred yuan altogether. She does need money for school, but asking for fifty yuan at once—we really don’t have that much.” They did, but they wouldn’t lend it.
Song Aiying nodded. “So it was this matter. I thought you had bullied her.” She didn’t feel the need to understand more private details. As long as no misunderstanding was created, that was fine.
Unexpectedly, the next day, Su Su was blocked on the roadside between the dormitory and the canteen by three male students. She had just finished lunch and was returning when she saw the male student who had said Qin Yueyue saved him, leading two fellow townsmen to block her path.
In the book, this male student treated the female lead like a saint. Because she had saved him and later used Lin Chuan’s money to help his family, he was very willing to become one of the female lead’s dogs. Of course, right now, she had only helped him, yet he already dared to run in front of her, a teacher, and bark.
“Teacher Su, there’s something we want to talk to you about.”
The one leading them, Cheng Guodong, was tall and strongly built. Standing there, he had a very oppressive presence.
But Su Su wasn’t afraid of him. Holding her lunchbox, she asked, “Go ahead. What is it?”
Teachers and students were different. No matter how old someone was, when facing a teacher, they would always feel a little guilty. Moreover, now everyone was relying on university to get ahead, so they were even more afraid of offending the teachers here. Therefore, people who came looking for trouble with teachers were very rare.
And Su Su didn’t look afraid of him at all. Instead, that made the three men somewhat afraid to do anything too extreme.
But they still had to reason with her. Cheng Guodong said, “Teacher Su, I heard you and Student Qin Yueyue are relatives.”
“No.”
“Ah, but she said…”
“Then go ask her. My surname is Su, and I’m an orphan. I grew up in an orphanage and don’t have any relatives. Otherwise, someone would have adopted me long ago. Her surname is Qin. What kind of relatives could we possibly be?”
When Su Su said this, Cheng Guodong froze too. Indeed, they didn’t seem like relatives.
**Author’s Note:** I remember when I first brought my cat home, I felt I loved it so, so much, and then I didn’t know how to love it anymore. I was a complete mess. Every day, I held it in my hands while typing. I remember it sleeping beside my keyboard, and whenever it made a sound, I’d jump in fright, flustered and panicked, until it finally grew up.
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