Lei Zhengde’s mother brought home a wailing infant.
It was Lei Zhengde’s illegitimate child.
Lei Zhengde had been keeping a mistress. Apparently, she was only twenty years old, a girl from the mountains, and the child had been born to her.
It was only then that Lin Wangshu discovered that everyone in their social circle in Beijing had already known. They had all known that Lei Zhengde was keeping another woman.
She had been the last to find out.
It made Lin Wangshu feel as though the entire world were nothing more than a dream. She had been deceived and made a fool of. It turned out the sky was not blue, and the eaves of a house were not there to shelter people from wind and rain.
It turned out that Lei Zhengde was not really Lei Zhengde either.
At least, he was not the Lei Zhengde she had thought she knew.
At sixteen, she had been sent down to work on a farm in Yunnan, where she met Lei Zhengde. They supported each other for several years. He pursued her passionately, and eventually promised to spend the rest of his life with her.
When she returned to Beijing at twenty-one, they registered their marriage.
A girl from a crowded communal courtyard marrying into a traditional courtyard household like the Lei family was considered to have married above her station. It looked impressive from the outside, but only she knew how much bitterness lay beneath the surface.
For all the years that followed, there were her parents-in-law, her younger sister-in-law, and the endless disputes that came with living in a grand old household.
What power did she have?
Even her job had been arranged by the Lei family. What could she possibly say?
She had endured it all, struggling through each day because she believed that a life was something people could slowly build together.
But in the end, what had she received in return?
Her mother-in-law, Shen Mingfang, held the child out for her to see and said with a smile that although he had been born outside the family, they would bring him home for her to raise.
“You’re someone whose background we know inside and out. Our Lei family has a conscience, so of course there’ll always be a place for you here. This child will call you Mother from now on. As for that woman outside, we’ll think of a way to give her some money and send her away.”
When Shen Mingfang said this, she spoke with the magnanimity of someone bestowing an act of mercy. In her mind, Lin Wangshu ought to have been overwhelmed with gratitude.
She was already in her thirties and had failed to produce an heir. Now she would not even need to give birth herself. She could become a mother to a ready-made child, and the Lei family had not cast her aside.
The entire family regarded this as an act of great kindness towards their daughter-in-law.
Had the story been spread around, even the cats scampering across the rooftops would have had to stop and praise the Lei family for their benevolence.
But Lin Wangshu no longer wanted to endure it.
She could not accept it.
She began demanding a divorce.
The divorce process was a numb, drawn-out torment. Whenever Lin Wangshu recalled it, a sharp pain pierced her temples and tugged at the area around her eyes, preventing her from sleeping peacefully.
In truth, the pain came from regret.
Yes.
She regretted it.
When she first returned from Yunnan, had she not already sensed that something was wrong? Had she not realised that Lei Zhengde was flighty and unreliable? Had she not hesitated?
But she had been foolish then. She had thought that since they had already been in a relationship, what other choice did she have in this life?
And so, she married him.
After marrying into the Lei family, she found that there were endless disputes within that grand household. Her mother-in-law was proud and looked down on others. Her younger sister-in-law was not exactly a bad person, but she was hardly easy to deal with.
Lin Wangshu endured it day after day.
There were times when she considered simply getting divorced. She could not bear it any longer. There was no way to continue living like this.
But Lei Zhengde knew how to coax people.
He spoke sweetly, calling her “wife” with every other sentence. He promised that he would protect her for the rest of his life, then brought up everything they had experienced together in Yunnan.
She hesitated and eventually gave in.
Later, when they remained childless, they both went to the hospital for examinations. Neither of them had any medical problems.
Once again, she hesitated.
Perhaps they should simply divorce, she thought. The Lei family was a distinguished household, and they still wanted someone to continue the family line.
But Lei Zhengde cried.
He knelt before her in tears and told her that children were not important. She was the only person he wanted. She was the only person he would ever want in this lifetime.
She cried too.
The two of them held each other and wept, and in the end, they did not divorce.
And so the years slipped away.
By the time she was in her early thirties and no longer young, he suddenly brought an entire child home.
She wanted to leave, but Lei Zhengde refused to let her go and began pestering her relentlessly.
She could not understand it.
She only wanted to leave.
You found another woman and had a child with her, so why wouldn’t you let me go?
A loud clattering sound echoed beside her ears, but Lin Wangshu did not want to open her eyes.
Her wandering thoughts drifted back even further, to her earliest dreams.
When she had first returned to the city, she had wanted to take the university entrance examination.
She was not exceptionally clever, but she was not stupid either. It would not have been difficult for her to pick up her textbooks and begin studying again.
But after getting married and becoming someone’s daughter-in-law, she had to hurry home after work and spend her time making soup for the family.
Besides, she had already been assigned such a desirable administrative position at Peking University, so she eventually abandoned the idea.
The truth was, she had never dared to admit that she envied the brilliant students she later saw at Tsinghua and Peking University.
She was not much older than they were, yet they had to address her respectfully as Teacher Lin.
She would secretly slip into classrooms and listen to lectures given by renowned professors, always becoming completely absorbed. Whenever she had spare time, she would find books to read.
But none of that could compare to receiving a proper education.
She had no formal qualifications or academic pedigree. For the rest of her life, she could only remain an administrative employee.
There was a world of difference between her and the professors who stood at the front of the lecture halls—an unbridgeable gulf she could never cross.
Because of this, she did not actually like it when people praised her for being intelligent.
To her, it sounded like mockery.
It was as though they were saying: What use is intelligence? All you do is register information and handle trivial administrative matters, then return home and cook for your husband’s parents.
The clattering beside her ears grew louder. Accompanying it was a constant buzzing, as though countless bees were humming around her head.
Lin Wangshu frowned and finally opened her eyes.
At first, her vision was blurred. The world seemed shrouded in a layer of white mist.
Then her eyes gradually focused, and everything before her became clear.
Two smiling young women were sitting directly opposite her. Their glossy black hair was woven into braids, the ends resting over their shoulders. Their faces carried simple, innocent smiles.
They were wearing green military uniforms.
They looked remarkably like Lin Wangshu herself when she had been around twenty years old.
She stared blankly at them, bewildered, then looked around.
Only then did she realise that she was on a train.
It was an old-fashioned train filled with the unmistakable atmosphere of a bygone era. The carriages were green, with hard seats, and every seat was occupied. Even the aisle was crowded with people. Some clutched their luggage while leaning against nearby seats and dozing.
Most striking of all was everyone’s clothing.
The carriage was a sea of blue, grey, and green, filled with the unmistakable character of that past age.
Lin Wangshu looked around in confusion as countless thoughts surged through her mind.
“Big Sister, you’re awake?”
One of the young women smiled as she spoke. Even the tone of her voice possessed a distinctive, guileless simplicity.
“Where are we?” Lin Wangshu asked.
She had no idea what was happening, but she kept her expression calm.
The young woman glanced at the watch on her wrist.
“It’s already eight in the morning. They said we’ll reach Beijing at nine, so it shouldn’t be much longer.”
Lin Wangshu pressed her lips together.
“Comrade, where are you from—”
She had intended to subtly fish for information, but halfway through her question, she suddenly noticed something.
Her voice.
Yes, her voice sounded completely different from usual.
It was soft, sweet, and clear—the voice of a young girl.
She froze.
Then she stiffly lowered her head and looked at herself.
She was wearing a green military uniform.
The sort of old-fashioned green uniform that people in later years would consider terribly unfashionable.
This was exactly the kind of clothing she had worn while working on the Yunnan farm.
After they returned to Beijing, Lei Zhengde had said it looked too rustic. He took her to Wangfujing and bought her several nicer outfits, and she never wore these clothes again.
Her blood ran cold.
Nevertheless, she calmly lifted one arm, rolled up her sleeve, and examined her wrist.
Back then, in order to serve Lei Zhengde’s mother well, she had made her chicken soup and carried it directly to her.
But when Lei Zhengde’s mother reached out, the soup spilled and scalded Lin Wangshu’s wrist, leaving behind a scar.
Now, after rolling up her sleeve, she saw that the skin of her wrist was smooth, pale, and completely unmarked.
Her heart began pounding wildly.
Still keeping her expression unchanged, she raised her head and looked at the young woman sitting opposite her.
After a moment of thought, she said, “I wonder how things are at Xuanwu Red Flag Middle School now.”
She already had a suspicion, but she needed to confirm it.
Her memory had always been excellent. She remembered that when she and Lei Zhengde originally returned to Beijing, they had met a young female educated youth on the train who had attended Xuanwu Red Flag Middle School.
They had been in the same year, although not the same class.
Her current situation was far too strange, so she did not dare to say anything rashly. She used this sentence to test the young woman.
If her guess was correct, the young woman would naturally respond. If she was mistaken, the other woman would merely assume Lin Wangshu had been muttering to herself and would not become suspicious.
The young woman’s eyes immediately lit up.
“Who knows? Everything was such a mess when we left. Classes have resumed now, but I don’t know whether the same teachers are still there. I remember Teacher Hu from your Class C. He used to substitute for our class as well…”
As Lin Wangshu listened, all her remaining doubts vanished.
It was true.
It was really true.
She had returned to twelve years earlier—to the spring of 1977, on the train carrying her and Lei Zhengde back to Beijing.
She clenched her trembling hands and looked around the carriage.
Like Enyou Temple after it was destroyed by the Eight-Nation Alliance, this carriage, its dusty grey-blue and green colours, and those glossy black braids all belonged to a youth she should never have been able to return to.
They represented the choices she could never undo.
Did she regret them?
How could she possibly not regret them?
But what use had regret ever been?
Now, however, she was back.
This was not a dream.
Dreams did not contain such clear, vivid colours, nor did they carry the distinctive odour of a green train that had been travelling for a day and two nights.
Everything was too bright and tangible.
She had truly returned to 1977.
She quickly searched her memories.
At this point, she and Lei Zhengde had not yet officially registered their marriage.
The national university entrance examination had not yet been reinstated.
She still had time.
It was not too late for anything.
She would sit the university entrance examination. She would attend Tsinghua or Peking University. She would stroll through the campus and fully enjoy the happiness of being young.
She would become one of those brilliant, heaven-favoured students herself.
Marriage?
Serving her husband’s parents?
Waiting upon his younger sister?
What did the rules of your grand household have to do with me?
I won’t serve any of you in this lifetime!
Yes, she and Lei Zhengde had dated.
So what?
Once social attitudes became more open, people would date and break up freely. Who would care about such a thing?
Her brain must have been flooded with water. Feudal ideas must have burrowed into her head. That was the only reason she had stubbornly believed she must remain devoted to one man for the rest of her life and insisted on marrying Lei Zhengde.
In those days, countless couples divorced as soon as they returned to the cities.
She and Lei Zhengde were not even married yet. They had never slept together.
Why should she care?
So they had hugged and held each other a few times.
She would simply treat it as though she had been mauled by a dog!
It was as though a frozen stream had suddenly thawed.
Everything became clear to Lin Wangshu in an instant.
Never before had she understood so thoroughly where the value of her life should be realised, or where the dreams of her youth ought to be released.
Lin Wangshu bit her lip. She was so overwhelmed with excitement that her tightly clenched hands trembled.
Just then, a voice came from nearby.
“Wangshu, you’re awake?”
Lin Wangshu turned in surprise.
She saw Lei Zhengde.
This was Lei Zhengde at twenty-three years old.
Although the years of labour in the countryside had left his face somewhat rough, he was still far younger and more inexperienced than he had been in his thirties.
When he saw Lin Wangshu, he smiled.
“What happened to you? You’ve slept until your face looks like a painted cat! Hahaha!”
His laughter was loud and infectious.
Several people in the carriage turned to look. When they saw Lin Wangshu’s face, they also began laughing while studying her curiously.
Lin Wangshu was beautiful.
Among an entire carriage filled with men and women, she was the kind of young woman a person would notice at first glance.
People could not resist looking at her a little longer. They would secretly marvel at her beauty, then steal several more glances after looking away.
At that moment, however, a startling red mark had been pressed into her smooth, jade-like skin. Several fine strands of hair were stuck against it.
Her slightly dishevelled black hair framed a charming and radiant face. She was alluring, but the mark made her look somewhat comical.
Lin Wangshu did not laugh.
She merely pressed her lips together and said to Lei Zhengde, “Give me the mirror.”
Lei Zhengde took out the mirror and handed it to her. As he did so, he casually pinched her cheek.
“You look like a little cat.”
Lin Wangshu ignored him.
She had no desire to pay attention to Lei Zhengde.
She had asked for the mirror because she wanted to see her own face.
She drew a deep breath and solemnly looked at her reflection.
The face in the mirror was both familiar and unfamiliar.
She was twenty-one years old, filled with youth, bright and breathtakingly beautiful. It was difficult to look away from her.
Lin Wangshu smiled.
When she smiled like that, Lei Zhengde finally sensed that something was wrong.
However, at that moment, the young educated woman in the neighbouring seat asked him where he had collected the hot water.
He immediately answered her enthusiastically, then helped move some luggage so she could pass.
Having already composed herself, Lin Wangshu watched coldly as Lei Zhengde spoke to the other woman.
She thought that this was simply the kind of person he was.
He was good to everyone, especially women, and rarely refused anyone.
When she was young, she had become jealous and quarrelled with him over it.
Later, she simply grew accustomed to it.
She had even wondered whether Lei Zhengde had taken that young mistress because he felt sorry for her.
The instant that thought appeared, Lin Wangshu wanted to slap herself.
She was still making excuses for him?
Had she not suffered enough already?
Lei Zhengde helped the young woman travel through several crowded sections of the carriage before struggling back.
When he returned, he sat down and wiped away his sweat.
“Wangshu, you don’t seem to be in a good mood. What’s wrong?”
Lin Wangshu studied the slightly immature Lei Zhengde for a long time.
She stared until he became confused.
“Wangshu, what is it? Are you feeling unwell?”
As he spoke, he reached out to touch her forehead.
Lin Wangshu moved away.
“Your hands are dirty. Don’t touch me.”
Lei Zhengde raised his eyebrows innocently.
“They’re not dirty. They’re just a little sweaty.”
“That’s still dirty.”
“All right.”
He looked somewhat childishly aggrieved.
A man like this had always made people feel sorry for him.
But now, Lin Wangshu felt nothing.
The cries of an infant echoing through the courtyard house in the middle of the night had been enough to extinguish every trace of tenderness she possessed.
Compared to that, Lei Zhengde’s attempts at acting cute merely looked childish and ridiculous.
When Lei Zhengde saw that she was ignoring him, he leaned closer and tried to tease her with a playful grin.
She merely said indifferently, “We’ll be in Beijing soon.”
“Yes, we’re almost there. We’ll be pulling into the station shortly.”
By then, everyone in the carriage had begun getting up.
Some searched through their military canvas bags for food. Others carried enamel mugs away to brush their teeth. Those desperate to use the toilet hurried towards the end of the carriage.
After such a long journey, the entire carriage—and everyone in it—had practically marinated in its own smell.
Naturally, Lin Wangshu could smell herself as well, but there was nothing she could do about it.
She would simply have to endure it.
This was 1977.
The conditions could not be compared to those of later years.
Lei Zhengde leaned towards her.
“About us… my mother may still have some objections. I’ve been writing to her and trying to persuade her.”
When he said this, Lin Wangshu laughed inwardly.
Even after living another lifetime, she still had to face this same awkward situation.
This was what he had always been like.
He appeared considerate, but he had never truly thought about the position she was being placed in.
But it did not matter.
He could go and play by himself.
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