Wild Stars as Their Lamps
Outside the house, fireflies danced in the air. On the windowsill, the newly placed hibiscus branch in the broken clay jar swayed with the night breeze.
Grandma told Gu Jianian a story.
It belonged solely to that era. It was not especially unusual, but it was a story that had truly existed.
More than fifty years ago, one spring, in the season when pear blossoms weighed down the branches, a frail and sickly young master from a wealthy family brought servants to the countryside to recuperate, staying in the Western-style villa built by his ancestors.
Following the doctor’s advice, he had to walk three laps along the river every morning.
And so, every day, he would see a country girl washing clothes beneath the bridge.
As time passed, the young master grew truly bored. One day, he walked down to the riverbank and started talking to the girl.
At first, it was not pleasant.
Their values and outlooks on life were completely different.
One was a proud and unruly young master from a wealthy family who had received a modern education; the other was a dutiful village girl whose family had arranged for her to marry once she came of age.
She disliked how noisy and arrogant he was, yet he could not even use his own hands and feet properly; even dressing and eating depended on servants.
He said she was timid, old-fashioned, and illiterate, unable to understand even the simplest children’s books.
Neither of them looked highly upon the other.
But later, the young master deigned to teach the girl how to read and write. He told her about the new era, about openness, about equality between men and women, about freedom in love.
He told her that girls should also have the right to receive an education.
As for the girl, she taught the young master, hand by hand, how to wash clothes, cook, grow vegetables, and herd cattle. She forced him to accompany her every day through wind and sun, over mountains and across ridges.
She said only by touching the earth could his body become strong.
Just like that, they bickered and argued for an entire year, but neither of them pierced through that ambiguous paper screen between them.
Until the girl was about to turn eighteen. Her family began looking for a match for her, while the young master’s health had also greatly improved, and he was soon to be taken back to the city.
It was said his family planned to send him overseas to study.
The night before the young master left, he gave the girl a bouquet of roses he had planted with his own hands.
With his brows awkwardly furrowed, he complained, “I asked Uncle Chen to bring the seeds from Zhoushan City. They were very expensive. I planted several batches in a row, and they all died. Only this one grew. The methods you taught me for growing vegetables were completely useless.”
The girl accepted that blazing red she had never seen before. There were tears in her eyes, but her tone was amused. “I taught you how to grow radishes and cabbages. I never taught you how to grow flowers. Can you just apply it mechanically, you fool?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“Mm. I know.”
“You’ll come of age next month? Your family is arranging a marriage for you?”
“Mm.”
The young master’s Adam’s apple moved up and down. He hesitated, thinking about whether he should bring her into rebellion with him and disturb her peaceful, smooth life.
He was afraid she would refuse, and even more afraid that she would regret it.
Unexpectedly, the girl spoke first.
“If… I mean if. On the fifth of next month, it’s my birthday. If you come, then we can…”
She held the roses against her chest, and the thorns pierced her skin. “I can leave with you. You can take me to ride the trains and cars you talked about, okay? Didn’t you say you once went with your family to a rose estate in the north to taste wine? Let’s go too, okay? I like this red.”
“Okay.” The young master suddenly reached out and hugged her. Staring at her fair neck, he said in a choked voice, “With you, anywhere is fine. In the future, I’ll make you a necklace. Rubies. Redder than roses.”
…
“But that day, he did not come.”
“I waited until midnight, but I still couldn’t accept it. So I secretly ran away from home, crossing mountains and rivers to reach Zhoushan. I went to the address he had once told me.”
“I didn’t even know where my courage came from. Before that, the farthest road I had ever walked was to town for the market. I hadn’t even imagined that I could make it to Zhoushan.”
Hearing this, Gu Jianian touched the wrinkles at the corners of Grandma’s eyes with tear-blurred vision and asked the girl who had once risked everything, “Then… did you see him?”
“I did,” the girl said. “I sat by the back door of his house and waited until Uncle Chen, who had just returned from Yunmo, covered in dust from travelling, came back. Only then did I learn that he had fallen ill. While ill, he had asked Uncle Chen to attend the appointment in his place. But Uncle Chen was delayed on the road, and that was how he missed me.”
“Uncle Chen took me in through the back gate of the courtyard. Through a magnolia tree outside the window, I saw him.”
“Someone whose body had only just recovered was lying sickly on the bed again, his face as pale as a ghost. They said he had argued with his father and, while they were pushing and shoving, he hit his head. Something about a concussion, then a high fever. His father hardened his heart and refused to call a doctor. When I went, he was still delirious.”
“Uncle Chen said the two train tickets he had bought were discovered by his family. They had a huge argument, and he even went on hunger strike in protest.”
“Uncle Chen said he wanted me to wait for him. He said he would win the gamble.”
Grandma sighed.
“It was I who did not wait for him. I was afraid he would gamble himself away.”
“I returned from Zhoushan and obeyed my family’s arrangements to marry. I asked Uncle Chen to tell him that we should each be well. Later, I heard that his health recovered and that he went abroad to study.”
The story of the girl and the young master came to an abrupt end.
The red roses and red rubies were only a dream in memory that had slipped off its tracks.
But Grandma’s narration continued. “The day I came back, I also thought my life had ended there, that I could no longer see the future or the road ahead.”
“But Tingting, life does not end there. Time is the thing most capable of smoothing everything over. People are fragile, but at the same time, they are also the strongest. After a few years, you will discover that there is no obstacle a person cannot cross.”
“I married your grandfather. He was the village accountant. He was very shy, and his appearance was delicate too. He also had a girl he liked very, very much. She was an educated youth sent down from the north. I met her. She was beautiful, learned, polite, and treated people kindly. She never put on airs.”
“After her time in the countryside ended, she returned to Beilin to attend university. She occasionally exchanged letters with him.”
“But your grandfather was different from me. He never even had the chance to say it out loud. He could only keep it in his heart for his entire life.”
“On the day we married, we agreed that in this lifetime, we would be comrades-in-arms. We would treat the years ahead as a battlefield and fight together until the end.”
Gu Jianian wiped the corner of her eye.
As she listened to the story, she had already guessed who that young master was.
She also realised that the ruby necklace Chi Yan had once handed her had not been given to her by mistake.
“Grandma, then you… don’t have any regrets?”
Grandma thought for a moment, then said, “I also thought I would have regrets. But in the end, when I think about it carefully, it seems I don’t.”
She looked at Gu Jianian gently and said, word by word, “Later, that girl had an intelligent, outstanding daughter with a strong personality, and two sons who were ordinary in ability but honest and kind in nature. In the years that followed, she gained two mischievous grandsons. Most importantly, she gained a precious granddaughter. That was the most treasured gift Heaven sent her.”
“When you look forward from the past, life seems so absurd you cannot go on. But when you look back from the future, actually every year is a good year.”
“Tingting, your obstacle will pass too.”
“Mm.” Gu Jianian hugged her, her tears soaking into Grandma’s white hair. “It will. I’m going to repeat the year, Grandma.”
The next morning, after breakfast, Gu Jianian carried her schoolbag to the ivy-covered villa. Like usual, she used the key to open the door and quietly walked into the living room.
Only, she had not expected Chi Yan to already be awake. He was sitting behind the desk, drinking coffee while lazily typing on the keyboard.
Gu Jianian put her schoolbag by the foot of the sofa and said in surprise, “Chi Yan, why are you up so early today?”
Usually, the earliest he got up was past eleven.
Chi Yan lifted his eyes and glanced at her, his tone amused. “I felt like getting up, so I got up. Why are you asking so much? Afraid I’ll disturb you from reading?”
Gu Jianian quickly waved her hands. “Not at all. And I don’t plan to read today. Since you’re here—”
She took a deep breath and took her phone out of her pocket. “—can you sit with me while I make a call? A very important call. Super important. I’m a little scared to do it alone.”
Chi Yan paused for a moment, then asked, “Calling your parents?”
“No. I’m planning to tell my parents after everything is settled.”
As Gu Jianian spoke, she entered the phone number she had found online one digit at a time and explained, “It’s the admissions office of Beilin No. 9 High School. Three years ago, they called our house to recruit me. I agreed, but later my parents forced me to break the agreement and go to Lin High School.”
“I want to call them and ask if I can repeat the year at No. 9 High School.”
Chi Yan nodded, then asked casually, “Need me to call for you?”
“I can reluctantly pretend to be your guardian.”
“You’ll call for me?”
Gu Jianian was already nervous, and she was quite tempted by this suggestion.
But after struggling for a long time, she still gritted her teeth and shook her head. “…Forget it. I’ll face it myself. Either way, it’s just one cut. This is only the first hurdle. There will be many more difficulties in the coming year. I can’t always hide behind someone.”
As she spoke, she raised her head and glanced at him.
Then she muttered softly, “You… you just sit here and keep me company.”
Chi Yan raised his brows.
This kid was always braver than he expected.
The corner of his mouth curved up. He lifted the tissue box on the desk and teased, “Fine. Then I’ll prepare tissues for you.”
Gu Jianian wrinkled her nose at him in annoyance. “I’m not that useless.”
As she spoke, she pressed the call button in one burst of courage.
“Beep, beep, beep.” The call was connected. A young woman’s routine, business-like voice came through. “Beilin No. 9 High School Admissions Office. How may I help you?”
Gu Jianian instantly straightened her back, her fingers tightening around her phone. She swallowed.
“Hello… hello.”
Compared to the other person, her voice was obviously young and tense. “Um… I wanted to ask, does your humanities class still… still accept repeat students?”
The other side paused for a second.
Gu Jianian then unnecessarily tried to build a connection. “Three years ago, Teacher Zhou Chengbin from No. 9 High School’s Humanities Class One once called me. It’s just that I later went to Lin High School.”
The moment the words left her mouth, she regretted it. She was clearly too nervous; she had spoken without thinking.
What was she saying?
How was that building a connection? It was practically provocation.
Sure enough, the woman fell silent for a while.
Through her tone alone, Gu Jianian could imagine her frowning.
“You went to Lin High School? Then why aren’t you returning to Lin High School to repeat the year?”
Countless safer answers she had prepared beforehand flashed through Gu Jianian’s mind.
For example, that she felt No. 9 High School suited her better, that Lin High School focused more on science teaching, that No. 9 High School was closer to her home, and so on.
But those polished, face-saving answers were ultimately squeezed out of her mind. Her head heated, and as if possessed, she explained the entire cause and effect.
She answered honestly, speaking about skipping class, smoking, and how Lin High School would not let her repeat the year.
During this time, the woman on the other end of the phone kept asking questions, her tone sharp and emotionless.
Gu Jianian explained every bit of those three derailed years without leaving anything out.
Finally, the woman asked why she wanted to repeat the year.
Gu Jianian paused, then dryly described the changes in her thoughts over the past few days.
She was like a criminal being interrogated, having lost the ability to embellish anything. All she had left was honest, clumsy explanation.
The phone call lasted more than half an hour. The woman’s breathing on the other end was faint, and she seemed completely unmoved by Gu Jianian’s account.
After a silence, she said she could not make the decision herself and would need to discuss it with the teachers in the year group. She would contact Gu Jianian again in three hours.
Gu Jianian politely hung up the phone. Then, as if all her strength had left her, she collapsed onto the sofa.
After a long while, she flattened the corners of her mouth and slowly said, “Maybe you should bring it over after all.”
He raised his brows. “Bring what?”
“The tissues.” Gu Jianian wore a bitter expression. “I might burst into tears the next second. I’m holding it in.”
Chi Yan gave an amused “oh.”
He carried the tissue box to her side and could not help bending down to ruffle the soft hair on top of her head that had stuck up from sleep, raising his brow. “Now you’re honest.”
Gu Jianian stared blankly, not reacting much.
Chi Yan shook his head and walked back around behind the desk.
He did not ask about the process or result.
Only belatedly did Gu Jianian feel that a cool temperature had brushed over the top of her head just now.
She had no mind to think about what it was. She only felt that time was exceptionally long.
She had specially run to the ivy-covered villa to make the call because she was worried that if the result was bad, Grandma would worry along with her.
Unexpectedly, she had indeed messed it up.
Her mind chaotically recalled the questions and answers from the call just now. Thinking back, every sentence felt like stepping on a mine.
How could she have told the truth?
Smoking on campus, skipping class, violating school rules and discipline. If Lin High School would not take her, would No. 9 High School take her?
Thinking from another perspective, if she were a teacher in No. 9 High School’s admissions office, she definitely would not accept such a student.
Leaving aside whether she followed rules or not, just with her brain alone, who would take her?
The fact that the woman had not rejected her on the spot already showed great self-restraint.
Gu Jianian’s thoughts ran wildly, and she felt as if she were sitting on pins and needles.
When she felt that ages had passed and glanced at her phone, only five minutes had gone by.
She could not help standing up, wanting to pick a book from the shelf to read, only to discover that she suddenly seemed unable to recognise words. She could not even take in the titles.
“*In the Drizzle…* You skipped class and smoked? At school?”
“*One Hundred Years of Solit…* What were your mock exam scores? How much did you get in Chinese, maths, and English separately?”
“*You Should Be Like a Bird Flying To…* So why do you think that just because you couldn’t study science well, you can study humanities well?”
“…”
Gu Jianian anxiously paced back and forth in front of several rows of bookshelves, trying to find a book with no words, only pictures.
Before she realised it, she had walked behind Chi Yan’s desk.
Suddenly, the hood behind her was grabbed.
With a collapsed expression, she turned back and saw him standing behind the desk, one hand in his pocket, the other casually holding onto her hood. He asked with amusement, “Why are you rushing around so anxiously? What are you looking for?”
Gu Jianian tried hard to drive the cold female voice out of her head and asked him instead, “…What are you doing?”
Chi Yan paused for a while.
His gaze remained on her panicked face for a few seconds. Then he suddenly let go of her, turned around, and pushed the laptop over. “He Jitong is urging me for the opening of my new book. I’ve revised it back and forth sixteen times over these days. I can’t choose. Help me pick.”
“…Me?”
Gu Jianian pointed at her own nose in disbelief and flattered surprise.
She thought she had misheard and repeated uncertainly, “You want me to help you… choose an opening? Are you sure?”
Chi Yan nodded casually as if it had nothing to do with him. “Aren’t you free and looking for something to do?”
Then he casually pulled out the chair for her and gestured with his chin for her to sit.
“I am free, but… then I’ll read them?”
Gu Jianian sat in the broad solid-wood chair she had never sat in before and respectfully took the laptop.
Looking at the sixteen documents neatly arranged by editing time on the screen, her heart was instantly drowned in a complicated feeling.
On the one hand, she felt as if a thousand-pound burden had landed on her shoulders. What virtue or ability did she have to choose an opening for a great writer?
Even he himself could not choose. How could she possibly help?
On the other hand, she felt light and floating. Thousands of little people in her heart were cheering and jumping.
*I’m actually helping Yanchi-dada read his writing!*
If thirteen-year-old Gu Jianian knew that one day she would become this impressive, she would probably be so excited that she would jump out from under the quilt in the middle of the night.
No matter which emotion was dominant, either way, she no longer had any mental space left to think about that phone call.
Gu Jianian reverently clicked open the first document, leaned closer to the screen, and began reading carefully, weighing every word and sentence.
Chi Yan, however, became leisurely. He walked to her single armchair and sat down.
Their positions switched. He leaned lazily against the back of the sofa, idly flipping through a book, occasionally lifting his eyes to look at the person behind the desk.
The chair was a little too low for her. Her posture when holding the mouse looked somewhat strained, and her head leaned forward like a little squirrel.
But she was reading very seriously. Her lips were pressed tightly together, her dark, round eyes slowly moving across the screen. Her cheeks puffed up from time to time, and her brows occasionally furrowed.
Chi Yan watched her, his fingers subconsciously rubbing the spine of the book, once, twice.
A moment later, he suddenly lowered his eyes and found it a little funny.
At first, he had only wanted to distract her attention.
Why did he suddenly feel a long-lost trace of nervousness?
This feeling reminded him of the few days in tenth grade when he had submitted to ‘Tilted Words’ magazine for the first time and waited for a response.
A strange and distant unease.
He lowered his head with a mocking smile and no longer looked at her.
After a moment of silence, he began to read.
Until the clock slowly moved through two and a half hours.
Gu Jianian finally finished reading the last document. Still immersed in the words, her heart trembling, she stretched.
Only then did she realise that she had been so absorbed in reading that her whole body was stiff.
She raised her eyes and looked over. Chi Yan was sitting on the sofa with his eyes closed, lazily leaning against the backrest, his long fingers idly supporting his handsome jawline.
This single armchair was too large for her, but for him, it was just right.
Tall, long-legged—even sitting, he carried an arrogant sense of pressure.
The room was quiet. Only the ticking of the clock could be heard.
She looked at him quietly, unable to move her eyes away.
Such a person.
Absurd and decadent, cynical and careless, yet also steady, gentle, and certain.
His appearance was blessed by nature. Everything seemed effortless for him.
His writing, like him, carried a born sharpness.
Gu Jianian’s heart began beating uncontrollably again.
In that instant, she suddenly remembered asking Grandma whether she had regrets.
What about herself?
If she kept him hidden in her heart like this, would she have regrets?
She definitely would, right?
She was only eighteen.
And yet she had an instinct that, for the rest of her life, she would never like someone like this again.
Gu Jianian did not dare think further. Coming back to herself, she picked up the laptop, moved over, crouched down, and poked his arm, whispering, “Chi Yan, I finished reading.”
He slowly opened his eyes. There was a little drowsiness in them.
His voice also carried a lingering hoarseness. “Mm. How was it?”
Gu Jianian suppressed the throbbing and unease in her heart and seriously told him her thoughts.
“I think every version is very good. I was reluctant to finish each one.”
“But if I have to choose one, I like the sixth version the most.”
A trace of surprise flashed through Chi Yan’s eyes.
Among sixteen varied openings, her choice was actually the same as his. A probability of only one in sixteen.
He Jitong and several other editors had also read these openings.
They all had their own preferences, but none of them were optimistic about the sixth version. They felt it was too plain and straightforward, that it failed to highlight his skill with words.
And after walking through the difficult reality of these years, he had to admit that he no longer possessed the same sensitivity and confidence toward writing as he once did.
He did not even trust his own judgment anymore.
That was why he had stopped writing more than ten times in a row, grinding himself apart until he lost confidence.
“Mm.” Chi Yan’s Adam’s apple moved up and down. He asked her, “Why do you think so?”
The little girl stuck out her tongue, a little embarrassed. “Actually, I can’t really explain it. It’s just a feeling.”
“I can’t give any professional advice,” she said carefully. “But during the half year after you disappeared, I read every single one of your articles over and over again dozens of times. I copied them out, memorised them, and kept every word and sentence in my heart.”
“It’s not that the narrative order or writing style is especially similar. But when I saw the opening of the sixth version, I just felt that it was you.”
“The one and only you.”
“…”
Chi Yan was speechless.
After all these years, even he himself could no longer be certain what his writing should look like.
Yet at this moment, someone told him with certainty:
This is you.
The one and only you.
Chi Yan looked into Gu Jianian’s eyes. In that instant, an unbearable tremor suddenly flashed through his gaze.
The fingers supporting his chin tightened, his fingertips pressing into his palm.
Irrelevantly, he thought:
Even if he finished reading all ten thousand books in his house, he would probably still be at a loss for words at this moment.
Words were the most ever-changing thing. They could create the sun, moon, and stars, could write all four seasons of the human world. Yet she was the most unpredictable existence beyond all those countless combinations.
Uncatchable. Unsayable.
One sitting and one crouching, they were very close, close enough to hear each other’s breathing as they quietly looked at one another.
Some faint, almost imperceptible ambiguity began to spread.
Gu Jianian inexplicably felt her cheeks warming. She did not know what he meant by looking at her like this.
Did he think what she said was right, or wrong?
Until the sudden ringing of her phone sounded.
Gu Jianian jumped in fright and suddenly realised that three hours had passed.
She quickly stood up and pulled some distance between them, taking out her phone with trembling hands. She saw the familiar number on the screen.
In a fluster, she answered, cleared her throat, and asked tensely, “Hello… may I ask if the result is out? Um—”
“—Do you… want me?”
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