No matter what the people from the Educated Youth Office said, Fei Ni insisted that she could not marry Fang Muyang.
Taking care of a hero with whom she had little personal connection showed political consciousness and was worthy of being named an advanced worker. But taking care of one’s husband was simply one’s duty; it could not be counted as a good deed at all.
If she married Fang Muyang, she would gain a husband whose intelligence was equivalent to a child’s, while at the same time erasing all the merit she had earned from caring for a hero. No matter how she calculated it, she would lose out.
She could not say what she truly thought, so she only said that before Fang Muyang was injured, he had liked a female comrade for many years. That female comrade was not her. She hoped that lovers would eventually be united. The more she admired and respected him, the less she could deprive him of the chance to gain happiness.
The other party said that Comrade Fang had been ill for so many days, yet that female comrade had not come to care for him even once. How could she compare to Fei Ni? Only by marrying Fei Ni could Comrade Fang gain happiness.
Fei Ni thought to herself: Fang Muyang’s childhood sweetheart was not willing to marry him as he was now, so why should she? Just because she could not bear to eat even a piece of meat and saved it all for Fang Muyang, just because she had been caring for him all this time, did that mean she deserved to shoulder this burden?
Her face held a smile, but her tone was incomparably firm. No matter what the other party said, she said that for Fang Muyang’s happiness, she could not marry him.
Until the other party brought up the matter of housing allocation at the hat factory. They had already investigated Fei Ni’s work background. The hat factory was currently allocating housing. If Fei Ni married Fang Muyang, then although her rank and years of service definitely would not qualify her, because she had married a hero, she would certainly get a share in this round of housing allocation. To make it easier for Fei Ni to care for Fang Muyang, they could contact the hat factory and help arrange a job transfer for her, letting her do finance or administrative work.
This condition did indeed move Fei Ni for a moment. Even after graduating from university and starting work, people still lived in two-person dormitory rooms, and even after marriage, they might not necessarily be allocated a dormitory room of just over ten square metres. If she married Fang Muyang, she could immediately enter a new stage of life.
But she still refused to marry Fang Muyang.
If he could not recover his memory, then she would essentially be marrying someone with an intellectual disability. If he recovered, he would remember his ex-girlfriend. The fact that they had been together for so many years showed that she had a lasting appeal to him. Once he woke fully and old feelings rekindled, what place would there be for Fei Ni?
Marrying Fang Muyang brought her a hundred harms and not a single benefit. She only had one life; she could not make wedding clothes for someone else.
But once she refused, Fang Muyang would fall into a state where no one cared for him, and more than half a year of her good deeds would have been done for nothing. She hoped someone else would take the initiative to receive Fang Muyang.
Fang Muyang’s girlfriend was destined to become an ex-girlfriend. She did not even come to visit him, let alone take him in and care for him herself.
Fei Ni remembered that the last time Fang Muyang’s sister came, she had left her work-unit phone number. Fei Ni called her.
When Fang Muyang’s sister, Fang Mujing, heard that her younger brother had woken up, she took a train to see him. She taught at a university in the south. Because of her bad family background, her ex-boyfriend, who came from the same background as her, had married a female comrade whose ancestors had been poor peasants for eight generations. Also because of her bad family background, she had no chance of getting a single dormitory room. She shared a two-person room with someone else.
The local Educated Youth Office’s power was limited too; it could not reach as far as the university where the Fang family’s second sister worked.
She simply did not have the conditions to care for Fang Muyang.
Fei Ni asked about Fang family’s eldest brother.
Second Sister Fang told her that their elder brother did confidential work. Even her sister-in-law had not seen him for several years.
When Fang Muyang saw his second sister Mujing, he began to smile again.
Fei Ni introduced her to him. “This is your second sister.”
Fang Muyang asked his second sister where their home was. He wanted to go home.
At first, Mujing also smiled. But as she smiled, she began to cry.
How could they still have a home?
Second Sister had only asked for three days’ leave, and that very day she had to take the train back. Before leaving, Mujing once again took out the two hundred yuan and national grain coupons that Fei Ni had refused last time. Fei Ni still would not take them.
“Take it. Buy him two new outfits.” The old clothes Fei Ni wore had been washed until they had turned pale, but she had still bought Mujing’s younger brother a new shirt.
“It won’t cost this much.” Fei Ni knew that his second sister did not have it easy either.
“Last time I came, you weren’t this thin. Leave him to the Educated Youth Office. They have to take responsibility for him. You can’t ruin your whole life for him.”
Fei Ni had taken care of Fang Muyang for so many days, and no matter how difficult it had been, she had not cried once. Even when she knew that her university dream had shattered again, she had only felt pain in her heart. But when she heard this sentence, her tears finally could not be held back. It was the sincere understanding of another person who was also suffering.
If Mujing had not said that sentence, then after Mujing left, Fei Ni would not have gone to the hospital again. But because of her understanding, Fei Ni decided to buy Fang Muyang a few more items of clothing.
Ever since Fang Muyang had been admitted to the hospital, he had worn hospital clothes. The clothes he wore apart from hospital garments had all been prepared by Fei Ni. Except for one shirt, which had been newly bought, the trousers and outer shirts were all altered from old clothes her elder brother could no longer wear. The trousers had been lengthened by a large section using scraps of fabric. But because he was good-looking, they did not look bad on him. Fei Ni had also made him two detachable shirt collars so he could alternate between them.
Now that Fei Ni had money, she exchanged grain coupons with others for cloth coupons, bought fabric, and began making Fang Muyang new clothes. She made the clothes at night, and still went to the hospital during the day. She no longer fetched Fang Muyang’s food for him, but made him buy it himself. One liang of rice cost two fen; he had to eat three liang. One piece of spare rib cost one jiao; he had to buy two pieces. A plate of cabbage cost three fen, and a bowl of soup cost one fen. One meal cost three jiao. She counted out three jiao and went with him to the window, watching him buy it. Dinner was a bowl of spare-rib noodles plus two meat buns, also three jiao. His food expenses were higher than ordinary people’s. Usually, one day cost eight jiao. If he wanted wontons for breakfast, it would cost a little more.
The day after the clothes were completely finished, Fei Ni went to the hospital very early. She had made Fang Muyang two pairs of khaki trousers and two shirts, one of which was cotton-linen, perfect for summer. She also brought two pairs of shoes: one pair of leather shoes and one pair of sneakers. She had compared his shoe size and bought them at the shoe shop. She put the remaining money and grain coupons into a bag and handed it to Fang Muyang, telling him that he must keep it safe and absolutely must not give it to anyone else.
Fei Ni closed the ward door and told Fang Muyang to change into his new clothes. After he had changed, Fei Ni said she would take him to see a film today. Fei Ni was afraid Fang Muyang would get lost, so she made him walk in front. After taking two steps, he would turn back once. As they walked, he stretched one hand backward toward her. Fei Ni’s hands were in her pockets. That hand waited there, with no one holding it, but it did not withdraw either. It simply hung there behind him. Fei Ni looked around, then offered him a few fingers. Fang Muyang grabbed them at once, and the two began walking side by side.
It was the weekend, and there were too many people on the bus. The two of them were squeezed in the crowd. Fei Ni tried to pull her hand back, but he held it tightly. Afraid of being recognised, she kept her head lowered the whole time, regretting that she had not brought a mask.
The driver braked suddenly. Fei Ni lost her footing and fell backward, and Fang Muyang caught her around the waist. He kept his arm there and did not withdraw it. Fei Ni’s face flushed with urgency. She knocked his arm with her elbow and said in a low voice, “Fang Muyang, take your hand away right now.”
There was someone selling soda at the entrance of the cinema. Fei Ni took out money and bought a bottle of Arctic Ocean soda. She asked the vendor to open the cap, then nudged Fang Muyang’s arm with her elbow. “Drink.”
“Why aren’t you drinking?”
“I don’t like it.”
The film was Romanian, a disaster-relief film, but the reason it stirred waves among young men and women was still because of those scenes where men and women had intimate contact. Fei Ni lacked interest in those kinds of scenes. She had invited Fang Muyang to watch it as her final effort to help him recover his memory. Even now, she had not given up. She wanted too badly to be named advanced. This film did not awaken Fang Muyang’s memories of his own disaster rescue, but it seemed to awaken something else. After the suggestive embrace appeared on screen, Fang Muyang tightened his grip on Fei Ni’s hand again.
Her heart pounded fiercely. Inwardly, she cursed him for being shameless. Who knew how many improper things he had done with his girlfriend in the past? He had not even remembered his own parents, yet he had not forgotten this. She used her very short fingernails to dig into his palm, trying to make him let go, but he kept holding on. He held her hand until her palm began to sweat, and their sweat stuck together. She was afraid that speaking would draw the attention of the people around them, so she could only silently endure it.
Fei Ni thought that after today, she absolutely could not come to see him again.
After leaving the cinema, Fei Ni could not help stepping on Fang Muyang’s foot twice. In a breathy, lowered voice, she said, “You’re not allowed to hold my hand again.”
“Then you hold mine.” He stretched out his hand, waiting for Fei Ni to hold it.
“Put your hand in your trouser pocket.”
Fang Muyang was a head taller than Fei Ni. His shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and both hands were in his trouser pockets. Walking down the street, no one would suspect that there was anything wrong with his mind.
Both of them wore white shirts. Fei Ni’s trousers and crossbody bag were army green, but they were too old, so the green had faded almost white. Her whole body smelled faintly of soap. The two walked side by side, with half a metre between them.
Neither of them spoke. Before coming, she had already made up her mind. If he still did not recover his memory after watching the film, she would take him to eat one meal at a Russian restaurant, and after that she would never see him again.
Fei Ni let Fang Muyang order. His manner of ordering dishes was very practised. He ordered fried pork cutlet and borscht, and when he was about to order more, Fei Ni immediately told the waiter, “That’s all.”
Fang Muyang cut up the pork cutlet and told Fei Ni to eat first. Fei Ni said she did not like it.
Fang Muyang called the waiter to bring the menu back and asked Fei Ni what she liked.
Fei Ni ordered an ice cream and told the waiter to bring it after the meal. Fang Muyang said ice cream could not count as a proper meal and told her to order something else. Fei Ni forced a smile and asked the waiter to take the menu away.
She was so angry at him that she almost laughed. After all these days, he had remembered nothing, but he had not forgotten how to order food with style. Afraid that Fang Muyang would order more dishes, she could only share one pork cutlet with him.
When the ice cream came, Fei Ni pushed it over to Fang Muyang’s side. “Didn’t you keep wanting ice cream? Hurry and eat.”
Fang Muyang scooped a spoonful and held it to Fei Ni’s mouth. “You eat first.”
“I’m not eating.” She could never out-stubborn someone who was not clear-minded. The spoon remained blocked in front of her mouth.
She snatched the spoon from Fang Muyang’s hand and put the ice cream into her mouth. It was too sweet. It did seem to taste better than a red bean popsicle.
The two of them finished one ice cream together.
When paying the bill, Fang Muyang took out the bag Fei Ni had given him and counted the money note by note. He now recognised the numbers on the bills. He stopped Fei Ni, who was taking money from her own bag, and generously paid the bill.
Fei Ni did not know whether he was truly stupid or pretending to be. At the rate he spent money, it would all be gone in a few days. It would be better to exchange it now for something practical. She took Fang Muyang to a clothing shop. Even though it was summer, the shop still had winter clothes. A short woollen coat cost eighty yuan. He did not have a single winter garment now. The Educated Youth Office took care of his food, but they would not help him buy clothes. He could not wear shirts all winter, so a coat seemed very necessary. She had just picked out the woollen coat when Fang Muyang pointed at a row of cardigans and dresses on another rack and said to Fei Ni, “Buy that.”
Fei Ni cursed inwardly: what an idiot. What man wears a dress?
But she could not say that in front of other people, so she could only pull Fang Muyang aside and tell him word by word, “You are a man. Men cannot wear dresses.”
“You wear it.”
When it was time to pay, the two of them disagreed. Fang Muyang wanted to buy the dress; Fei Ni wanted to buy the woollen coat. The money was with Fang Muyang, and he wanted Fei Ni to listen to him.
“I don’t even earn enough in a month to pay for a dress. How would I have the money to pay you back?” How could she use a fool’s money to buy herself a dress? Tomorrow, she would not go to see him anymore. She had to leave him something.
“No need to pay me back.”
“Didn’t I tell you? Today, when we’re out, you listen to me. Do you not understand human speech?” She snatched the bag from Fang Muyang’s hand, took out the money, counted it for the shop assistant, and said very forcefully, “We’ll take that woollen coat.” With the money, she also bought him an outer shirt and two pairs of socks.
Because of this matter, the two parted on very unpleasant terms. On the way back to the hospital, neither of them said a word.
Once they reached the ward, Fei Ni folded Fang Muyang’s clothes one by one, then returned the bag containing the money to him.
She said to Fang Muyang, “You are a hero. You saved four people. It is only right and proper for the people from the Educated Youth Office to take care of you. If you need anything, tell them. You are supplied with one bottle of milk every day. If they forget, tell the nurse…”
That day, she said more to him than she had in all the previous days combined. Fang Muyang’s lack of response did not affect her continuing.
“You’re saying so much. I can’t remember it all. Why don’t you come tomorrow and say it again?”
“If you can’t remember, I’ll say it again.”
She would not come again tomorrow.
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